Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The thing about grief

is that is really is such a bitch. It's been nearly ten months since Adam died. I still cry every day. I cry when I wake up and remember he's gone. I cry a hundred times a day at silly, stupid things. It hits me. It hits me like I've been physically punched, and I can't breathe and it feels like my heart has stopped and I remember that I'll never hold him again. I'll never feel him at night, curled up around me, telling me he loves me. I'll never see him come through the door again, telling me something smells good, or yelling "MONKEY I'M HOME!"

How did this happen? How can he possibly have left me? Left everyone who loved him, and so, so many people loved him. He was lovely.

He hated me to touch his hair, for anyone to. I took a lock of it in the hospital. The organ donation poeple were so kind, I have his handprint, too. But I'll never hold his hand again. We always held hands, all the time.

Oh, God. I feel so broken, all the time. I want my life back. I want my husband. He's the only person who can make me feel better, and he's gone. And it should have been me. It should have been anyone but him. Not him.

And a hundred times a day I want to ask him things, how do I do this? Where do you keep that tool? I need this thing or that thing, or to sort something out, and it's heartbreaking because I can't ask him. I don't know what to do, and it takes me an hour to do something he'd have done in a minute.

And I try not to cry, because once I start, I can't stop. And I don't like to cry in front of the people who love me, who loved him, because they worry, and I don't want to add to their pain.
But I miss him so. It's a big, gaping hole in my heart, in my life, and I don't know if I'll ever be whole again.


Blogger mf said...

hold onto your memories, don't ever forget tlak to him when your laying in bed....sorry your having so many terrible times.. I'm sure you'll get through Keep yourself busy! It's a beautiful picture of you both!

6:38 AM  
Blogger YourOneSkeinSP said...

What a great picture! The love is evident in that picture.

I know that there is nothing that I can say that hasn't been said twenty times. However, I am here for you.

You don't know who I am, but I am above all a friend.

6:36 AM  
Blogger Annie said...

Thank you... it was an amazing day...

1:23 AM  
Anonymous Tana said...

Annie, I am not sure if you remember me but I think of you often. I want you to know you always have someone who cares.

10:50 PM  

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