Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Damn, it really does sneak up on you...

I was driving back to my parent's place today- went home briefly to check on the house, the frog, the mail... and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I just burst into tears, and I couldn't stop crying. And I felt angry with Adam, for leaving me. This only lasted a moment. I really haven't been angry with him. Not in the way the counsellors and books tell me I should expect to be. It wasn't his choice, and I know he'd have given anything to stay.

A close friend e-mailed me today and told me she has dreams with Adam in them often. That he tells her I'll be ok. Other people have had similar dreams. I haven't. I'd do anything to dream of him.

Once, a few months after the accident I was at his family's house in the English countryside and dreamed he walked through a door, and I was so shocked I woke myself up, then cried myself back to sleep.

And once, just recently, when dad got the cancer diagnosis, I dreamt Adam was hugging my dad. Which prompted me to tell dad, as they were giving him the anasthesia, that if he should see Adam tell him we love him, and tell him to bugger off, and you'll see him in another 30 years!!

I do think he sends me little signs. But what I wouldn't do to dream of him. It's nearly a year now. August 6 was the accident, and he died on the 8th. I never dream of him. I'm starting to forget what he smelled like, things like that, and it sends me into a panic attack. The kind where I can't breathe, and it feels like someone is sitting on my chest, and my heart races, and I take a small dose of valium, and then I'm ok. Thank God for valium.

I'm determined to move forward with my life. To find someone and be happy with them someday. I will not give my life up because the person I loved more than anything was taken from me. He wouldn't want that for me. I wouldn't want it for him, if our roles were reversed. And I wish they were. Every day, I wish it had been me, instead of him.

But it just fucking wasn't. And so here, without him, I will keep moving forward. As best I can. Because what else is there to do?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Annie, I am so sad for you. I have no idea what you're going through, and I can't even imagine the pain you must feel. It wasn't fair that he was taken from you so soon. I pray you find peace and happiness in your life soon.

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I feel like you are in one of those love story books and when you are 95 and you die, you will meet Adam on the other side and he will explain to you why things had to be the way they are. There has to be a reason why - and it can't be as bad as your grief allows you to think it is. There has to be a reason why he had to go when he did.

Have you read "The Lovely Bones"? Or "Embraced By The Light"? Those are two books that comfort me when thinking about the death of a loved one...but both in different ways. The first one because the girl was able to watch her family from heaven and she understood why she had to die. The second because if that is the way that death is, then sign me up.

I know a woman who was young when her husband died. (He had colon cancer and died at about 30.) I went to school with this girl but didn't really know her all that well. I saw her all the time around the small town I lived in, looking sad after she died (of course). Once I saw her sitting in her car just staring into space. I knew that she was thinking of her late husband. Then one day three or four years later I saw her in the grocery store with a guy and she looked so happy and so alive. They were joking and laughing and having such a good time in the frozen foods section. My aunt has since become friends with her. I often wonder if she had found the love of her life then or if her first husband was the love of her life. I don't know how a woman can discern. I don't know if she is supposed to.

Hang in there, Annie. I hope someone sees you in the grocery store one day looking very happy.

6:56 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

Thank you...

I did read the Lovely Bones, and will order Embraced by the Light on Amazon...

I hope we have more than one chance for true love. I'm counting on it.

And I also do think that when it's my turn, that will be when I'll finally understand why things happened the way they did.

Faith through understanding, I think, is my new motto.

7:06 PM  
Anonymous Tiffany said...

I don't want to downplay the pain you've been going through, but--what you had with Adam is what a lot of people, maybe most people, *never* find their whole lives. And that's pretty amazing. You might forget his scent or other small, everyday things about him, but you'll never forget *him* and what you had together.

I do hope that you continue to heal, and that you can be really happy again one day =)

8:33 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

You're absolutely right. No question about it. I've often said, and it's completely true, that if someone had told me in the beginning that I'd only have 4 years with him, and it would end with so much pain, I'd still sign on- without hesitation. He was amazing, we were amazing together, and it is true that I will never, ever forget the important things!

8:42 PM  

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