Saturday, November 03, 2007

Not For the Squeamish

Warning in advance, if you're needle squeamish, you may want to skip this post.

That said, my Humira arrived today. They had originally told me I'd be getting an auto-injector pen, which would have looked something like this.

I'd put it against my thigh, push a button, and then in 15 seconds or so, it inserts the needle and injects the drug.

What I ended up getting, was this.

So. Not really what I was expecting, but I wasn't too worried about it. I was supposed to put it into my stomach or thigh, but it said not to put in on or near any stretch marks, but pretty much my entire stomach has them, and most of my thighs, so this was the first obstacle.

I then swabbed my leg with alcohol, squirted a little of the medication out of the needle so there was no air, and got ready to insert it. But I couldn't. I tried, and had several false starts, and then I started shaking.

It's very different pushing a needle into your own skin. I'm not scared of them, I'm really not. I don't know if it was the pain, or the idea of puncturing my own skin, or what, but I couldn't do it. I was shaking, and then crying, and angry at myself for struggling so much with this.

I mean, people inject themselves with insulin all the time. I felt like I was being weak, and then I was upset because Adam wasn't here to just jab me instead. I had a bit of a pity moment. Angry at myself for struggling so much with such a simple thing, angry that the marks the steroids left meant I had very few locations where I could viably insert the fucking needle, angry that I'm sick enough to need this thing in the first place. Angry that I recently let myself get so incredibly upset and stressed about something, which has caused the Crohn's and arthritis to flare, and flare badly.

After about 30 minutes of crying and shaking and 3 alcohol swabs later, I bit the bullet, and jabbed that sucker in. And it didn't hurt so badly. But then I began to inject the Humira, and that SERIOUSLY hurts. Like injecting acid, is the best way I can describe it.

But, it's done.

I rock.



Blogger Josiane said...

You seriously rock! I'm pretty sure I would have had the same reaction you did, and I'm not that sure I would have been able to finally do it. Is it a one-time thing, or will you have to repeat the experience?

4:52 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

You amaze me with your strength. That's all I fuckin' got.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Batty said...

You so rock! I have serious trouble just swallowing a pill (for some reason, I'm convinced I'll choke on the thing), but injecting yourself with stuff? You did it. You're superwoman.

It's rainy and dark outside. For once, my arthritis isn't bugging me (I have inflammatory, not rheumatoid). I'm sorry you're hurting, it sucks, and it's not something you did.

5:15 PM  
Blogger Bertha said...

Oh man, you rock super hard, I don't think I could do that. I don't mind needles as long as other people are doing them, but I don't think I could ever do it to myself. Ugh. I actually felt a little queasy just reading this and thinking about it.

6:00 PM  
Blogger turtlegirl76 said...

Oh God. I don't know how you did it. I don't think I could do it to myself. I can't even watch them give me the flu shot. I hate needles. With a burning passion.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

Thanks everyone. I will be doing this on a very regular basis, which is why I felt like I had to just get on with it. I'm hoping in time it'll become easy. The main worry is that you have to seriously rotate injection sites, and 80% of recommended injections sites are out because of the steroid stretch marks. So I need to ask about other places, and I suspect, eventually, beg friends to jab me in the ass. Good times! ;)

6:48 PM  
Blogger K8 said...

You totally rock - I'm seriously squeamish about needles (which is ironic since I work on something similar to Humira). It's one thing to have someone take blood or give you a shot, but it is completely different to have to do it yourself. So you absolutely rock :)

7:55 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

How come you didn't get the one you were expecting? Oddly enough, Willow was fascinated by the needles in your post.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous sarah said...

ugh, needles. i dont like them.... i have an insulin "pod" but before had a "pump" which i had to put on with a big ass needle and a needle injector. after a while i couldnt do it and had to get someone else to. my new one injects itself though.
anyway, i digress. but good luck, needles suck ass. i hope you get some better ones next time!

8:59 PM  
Blogger Beverly said...

You rock, and you are a rock. My BIL has to inject insulin several times a day and I don't know how he does it. I guess it gets easier with time.

I hope you get the relief you need from the injections, icky though they may be.

9:38 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

Wow. You DO rock. I don't think I could do what you did. Wow.

10:12 PM  
Blogger katiedid said...

Wow. You SO freaking rock!

10:37 PM  
Blogger Holly said...

Wow, Annie. You do rock! I'm so impressed with your strengthy. I know I couldn't have done it. I hope the medication does its trick and you start to return to health.

3:45 PM  
Blogger tiennieknits said...

You do rock!

2:30 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Considering I would have passed out the second I opened the package, you DO totally rock.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Esoteric Knitter said...

Eeep, you are so awesome! It's so freaky to do stuff to oneself so kudos to you for having the will to do it. :)

6:07 PM  
Blogger Lanea said...

You rock. And why the hell didn't they give you an auto-injector? Bastards.

If they ever put me on anything like that, I'm teaching my dog to give me shots.

4:20 PM  

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