Monday, October 01, 2007

Dreams and Nightmares.

I had two dreams last night, which awoke and, in some ways, upset me. The first is one I have had many times before. It's a separation dream. As a child, if my parents were going away, which happened rarely, and left Moose and I in the care of our aunt, I would always have this dream that I died. I would dream that I died, and could see my loved ones, grieving for me. It would so upset me, that they were upset, that I would wake up in tears. Over the years I have had this dream over and over again, always at times when there was going to be a separation of sorts. I know what the dream means, but it doesn't make it any less disturbing.

The difficult thing is watching, so vividly, people grieving for you. And you can't do anything, can't tell them you're ok. I remember when Adam died, someone said "you know, he can see you, he's with you all the time," and I said, "I hope you're wrong. I hope he can't see me just now. I hope he can't see me for a little while. It would hurt him to see me this devastated. It would hurt him to see my pain, and he has been hurt enough."

I had the dream I died again, last night. And I was watching someone grieve for me, and again, I could not do anything to stop the pain, to reassure. I woke up in tears, and got out of bed, at 3 am.

On the plus side, I finished Ben's sweater sleeves, and started the Bar Harbor Shell bag, just to see how the pattern worked.

Finally, around 4:30, I went back to bed. I then dreamed again, just before I woke up, crying at 9:30.

I dreamed I met the man who has Adam's heart. I know he was 59 and living in New York, so he'd be 61 now. I wonder if he has children, and I remember hoping he did, when I found out he'd be getting Adam's heart.

In the dream, we were walking toward each other, and as we got close, and he began to speak, I reached out my hand, and placed it against his chest. I could feel his heart beat, and I stepped closer, holding him, placing my face against his chest, so I could hear his heart beating. Hear Adam's heart, beating. I remembered the thousand times I had lay with Adam, late at night, my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat as we talked into the wee hours of the morning. And I cried. I wept. But they were tears of joy, that this one thing had happened, and it was miraculous, and wonderful.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

{{HUGS}}. Does Adam's awesomeness ever end? What a great person he was. Organ donation is such a great thing and I do hope the fact that part of him literally lives on helps a bit. I can credit you with helping me, through your posts, to remember to value my loved ones much more and not take anything for granted. {{HUGS}}.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Annie, that is perfectly lovely.

12:28 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Annie, above anyone else, you have the ability to make me cry with your writing. I have those separation nightmares as well - but they have moved from me being the child to me losing Willow and those dreams make my heart quake.

1:52 PM  
Anonymous jennifer said...

You absolutely knock me out by your willingness to share such intimate things. And I'd like to think that the dream about the heart was Adam's way of communicating with you.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Holly said...

What a beautiful dream about the recipient of Adam's heart. It shows just how big your heart is. May you have sweet and peaceful dreams (and a full night's sleep) tonight.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Beverly said...

I have always had a very active dream life, so I know how much impact a dream can have on your waking life. Some of them just stick with you for days afterwards. Hopefully your mind is working out some things and the outcome will be better dreams in the future. Hugs to you.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Josiane said...

I'm glad to know that, after having that disturbing dream, you could end the night on a positive note. It must have been a very special feeling.

10:22 PM  
Anonymous tiennie said...

I'm so glad you were able to find some joy! I think it's lovely that Adam's heart beats on. That's amazing!

10:33 PM  
Blogger katiedid said...

One good and one bad dream. Even though they both caused tears, I hope the good outweighed the bad.

Have fun on your trip. Take lots of pictures!

8:23 AM  

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