Saturday, September 08, 2007

Random Musings

First, I want to thank you all for your very kind comments. I'm looking forward to drawing someone's name for the gift certificate tomorrow! Also, I'll be having a silk garden scrap giveaway in the coming weeks, and there is a lot of scrappage to send out. SO stay tuned for that one.

On the knitting front, I'm knitting like a crazy person. Crazy in that I am working on a shitload of projects, all at once, and also, let's face it, I'm a little crazy. Don't feel like knitting the sleeves for Ben's sweater? Back to the front of Jemima, sick of Stockinette stitch? Let's finish the hood on the sweatshirt (the yarn I needed to finish came in today!). And I'm wrapping up the Jewel toned Lady E, and getting ready to crochet the edge on the nature-toned one. I've also just cast on for the Cobblestone sweater for R. Always wanted to make him a sweater when we were dating, but didn't because of the curse. But now it's safe, so I've got 13 skeins of Skye Tweed with his name on them.

I've also been thinking about sock knitting more lately. I keep coming across socks you all have knit, and thinking I really should make a pair. They still scare me, a little. Maybe it's because I've never seen/held/worn a pair of handknit socks? Maybe. I don't know, but I suspect this winter I'll casting on my first pair.

I'm taking a private lesson in seaming this week, for my sister's sweater. It's my first seaming, and I really don't want to fuck this up. I have four doctors appointments this week, so I'm squeezing it in between all of that good fun.

The thing about my own knitting, is I'm never really happy with the way things I make turn out, with the exception of scarves and shawls. Oh, and hats. Those I am good at, but sweaters? Not so much. I just feel like everything looks like crap. But it's ok, it'll get better, I hope.

So, as many of you know, tomorrow would have been Adam's 35th birthday. I still can't believe he's gone. I really can't. I mean, I don't often actually expect him to walk through the door much anymore, and I've accepted that he's not in MY life, but the reality that he's just not here, not here... it's really hard to explain. If you'd met him, you'd know what I mean. The guy who drove us to the airport, twice- he got all teary when he came to get me solo and asked where Adam was. The guy who came this year to turn on my sprinklers was really upset... people who seriously only met him once have been really upset when they hear he was killed. He just made such an impression. I just miss him, so much.

The really wonderful thing about love is how totally complete it can make you feel. And the thing about having it taken from you is how utterly and totally hollow it leaves you. I have never felt so completely alone. So totally hollow. I'm seeing a psychiatrist this week, going back on antidepressants. No one should cry as much as I do, and my house is a pit. It's like I walk in, and my first thought is I've been robbed, the place has been tossed- ransacked- but no, that's how it is. And that's not normal. I mean, it's not the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen or done, but enough is enough, you know? Tomorrow, as my gift to Adam, I'm going to try and get a lot of sorting done. It's really hard, because a lot of it are his things, or large files like his hospital records and autopsy reports and things which are just in large piles, because it rips my fucking heart out to even look at that stuff, but I have to do it. It's time. And I'd rather really do anything except what I'm going to try and get done tomorrow. My parents offered to come and help me, but I don't want them to see how totally distraught the process will make me. I'm all sorts of messed up.

But I'll get better. I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress. Like my knitting.



Blogger Josiane said...

I wish that all of your works in progress, you included, may progress and turn out the way you want them to.
Good luck with the sorting. I can only imagine how much courage it takes to undertake such a task. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.
Josiane (kimianak on Ravelry)

12:07 AM  
Blogger dancingnic said...

Hey Annie,

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope that you'll be able to make a good start on the sorting, but that you'll not be hard on yourself ifyou don't.

You are such a brave woman, and dealing with stuff that most people can't even imagine. You're brilliant!

Good luck with all the WIPs, and go ahead with the socks. They are much less scary than they seem.

Take care of you

Nic x

5:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope the sorting goes ok today and you feel better afterwards, even though it might be very draining at the time. Anti-depressants are a good idea. They're so much better than they used to be and you should take them as long as you need them.

I'm so with you on the sweaters thing. I love my accessories but my sweaters make me sad. It's all that 'finishing' - yuck! And my back is long but I can never be arsed to knit even more stocking stitch to make them fit, hehe.

I made one pair of socks and it's very satisfying but I warn you that when one is done it's so hard to make the second!! ;P I've been told it's addictive but I've not found it to be so. Sock yarn is so lovely though - such delish colours.

8:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am thinking about you.

9:47 AM  
Blogger katiedid said...

I'm thinking of you today too and sending good thoughts your way. The sorting will be hard but will, in the long run, help you feel a little better.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Batty said...

Knitting is a good thing. Have as many projects going as you need to keep you entertained, and you'll never want for something to do. And be kind to yourself. I also fall into the 'never completely satisfied with my knitting' category, and it takes time and a lot of work to accept that I'm not perfect. Eventually, I hope to reach the point where I do something, see there are mistakes, see that they don't really detract from the beauty of the finished piece, and let them go.

I'm really glad you're going to see a psychiatrist. You shouldn't have to deal with something so difficult all by yourself. I don't know if you're like me and pain makes you clam up and withdraw from everyone. I just know that it's a reaction that can make healing even more difficult. You will be in my thoughts, and I hope that you can get what you need to feel full and happy again someday. It's not wrong, it's what you deserve.

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

I'm thinking about you today. You're a brave strong woman to tackle that sorting. Sending you good thoughts and hugs.


12:29 PM  
Blogger Jo said...


I would encourage you to try socks - even if they are plan ol' stockinette ones. I've only made a few pairs and given all but one pair away, but they are a nice portable project - and I get such a huge sense of accomplishment from turning a heel.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Holly said...

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you today, Annie.

1:50 PM  
Anonymous Emily said...

Take it all stitch by stitch, chickapea. Nothing has to be finished by any deadline other than one you set.

Thinking of you -

2:02 PM  
Blogger Beverly said...

Thinking of you today. I hope the sorting gives you peace.

Go for it with the sock knitting. It's absolutely addictive.

2:26 PM  
Anonymous tiennie said...

I read this post this a.m. Annie and have been thinking about it and you all day. All your random musings fit together in a post that was heart wrenching. I think you're doing the right thing and I don't think Adam would want you crying so much. It's a good gift to Adam to take care of you!

10:45 PM  
Blogger Carol said...

My thoughts and prayers go with you ...

9:43 AM  
Blogger KelInCal said...

Lots of great future FOs coming your way! I seamed part of my first sweater yesterday and it's so nerve wracking - there were a few bumps along the way. A lesson sounds great - good idea!

I hope you found your way through yesterday okay.

10:36 AM  
Blogger honeybee33 said...

I empathize with the state of your home - when I'm grieving I go "pit" too. Have you thought about paying a professional organizer to come help you? They have seen it all, understand that disorder is usually the result of emotional distress, and are usually equipped to help in all the ways you need it. Sometimes the only thing that helps me is having someone sit next to me while I do it. And, let's face it, paying a stranger to deal with how f*cked-up your life has become is a lot easier than facing a friend.

~ hb33 ~

10:13 AM  

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