Thankful

Sometimes it is hard to remember that I have it as good as I do. Sometimes, all I can think of is pain, and grief, and exhaustion, and depression. But mostly, I am thankful. My life has not really turned out in the way I had once thought it might. I have seen things, experienced things, that I would not wish on anyone. Things that have changed who I am, though not necessarily for the better or worse.

Despite all these things, I always remind myself how much I have. How much I am so very thankful for.

I am thankful for the love I had, for the man who made me see myself through different eyes, who gave me strength and taught me what it feels like to be cherished.

I am thankful for my family. Like any family, we're not perfect, but there is tremendous love and strength which I take from my families. They always have my back, as I have theirs, and I'm very thankful that these people are in my life. Being adopted makes me even more aware of how blessed I am that these people have come into my life. Also, being adopted makes me more aware than others what family really means. It's not really the people you share blood with, and I have a sister at home, one in the UK and a third in PA, and I'm so grateful for them. For my parents, my in-laws.

I am thankful for my friends, who seem to love me, even though I'm scary and damaged. One of them recently said to me, 'it doesn't matter how damaged you think you are, because you're more beautiful on the inside than you are on the outside, and you are funny as hell.' Which made me think, yes, that's true. My inside is quite nice. I'm a good person, and I'm glad they think I am funny. Helps when I'm so depressed I don't like the leave the house, and I ignore the ringing phone and am crap at remembering to return e-mails. I am very thankful to have this bunch of people. I love each of them, in different ways, for different strengths and joys they bring to me, and it was a nice reminder, in a low time, that they think I bring them good things as well.

It is because of them that I am not in a padded cell. Not that that still isn't an option, mind you.


So, I don't have my health, I'm not the prettiest girl in the room, or the smartest, or the funniest, or the most athletic. But I'm ok. It could be worse. I'm not really doing so bad, you know? I have my friends, I have my family. I have a roof over my head and more yarn and glass than I know what to do with just now. Things are actually pretty ok. And I am thankful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Mosaic Mania

I know this is more of a knitting and how fucked up I am kind of blog, but I've been doing a lot of glass work lately. I mean, a lot. I still have about ten things I need to photograph, and the photos aren't great, because it's been cold, wet, dark and rainy here. It's actually not bad out today, but everything outside is wet, so I don't want to bring anything out!

Here are my most recent projects, and most are for sale, so if you're interested in something, let me know. Also, there are details and pricing on my flickr site.

Now this one, I may have to keep. I love it, and there is no photo to do it justice. I'll be grouting it today.



Starting at white, and graduating to an almost black brown.



I'm going to be doing a whole series of these. Here is blue.





I really am happy with this, and suspect lots of friends and family will request one. This one I did in browns, but if you'd like one, I can do it in pretty much any color, or color combination, and they're $35. It's a dog leash holder!



This piece I am really happy with. It's a very large butterfly, perfect for a little girl's room, or for a butterfly lover. The body is black glass, with a green agate for the eye. Once the edges are painted, I'll be inserting wire antennae. At the edge of the body is a line of small amethyst, and the body is shades of pink, purple and pale blue, with a lot of iridescent pieces, mixed with stained glass, mirror, and larger pieces of rose quartz in each wing tip.










Can you tell I'm happy with this one?


This is another one that I just think is adorable. It's grouted, and I need to sand and paint the edges. It's a foot tall giraffe. This one was more work than I thought, but I'm very pleased with the result. The eyes are agate.


I'm working on a little elephant to go with him.


Here is a small dolphin, with agate eye





This is a piece I am very happy with it. With any ribbon pieces I sell, $5 will go to charity. This is a pink ribbon tea light holder. I can do the ribbons in any color you'd like, so let me know if you're interested in one of these. They can also be done as just a ribbon, with no candle.









There are more photos, and prices and details on the flickr site. I'm sorry if the mosaic stuff is boring for you all!!

Needles and Glass

Thanks to everyone for your support on the needle thing. I have since given myself another needle injection, and then the pens came, and I had to give myself two shots in one night with those. As bad as the needle is, now I know why my dad prefered it to the pen. With the needle, you control how fast you inject that acid-like substance, with the pen, you're fucked. Ouch. Seriously. Very painful. But it's done. No more shots for another week or so.

In the meantime I've been doing a LOT of mosaic work. Here is a mirror I'm donating (along with the jewel toned Lady E) to Dad's charity auction.



It's a smaller version of one I'm doing for myself. Sea glass along the edge, with stained glass, wispy glass, and cathedral glass, and cut mirror.





Hopefully it will sell well.

Not For the Squeamish

Warning in advance, if you're needle squeamish, you may want to skip this post.

That said, my Humira arrived today. They had originally told me I'd be getting an auto-injector pen, which would have looked something like this.


I'd put it against my thigh, push a button, and then in 15 seconds or so, it inserts the needle and injects the drug.

What I ended up getting, was this.



So. Not really what I was expecting, but I wasn't too worried about it. I was supposed to put it into my stomach or thigh, but it said not to put in on or near any stretch marks, but pretty much my entire stomach has them, and most of my thighs, so this was the first obstacle.

I then swabbed my leg with alcohol, squirted a little of the medication out of the needle so there was no air, and got ready to insert it. But I couldn't. I tried, and had several false starts, and then I started shaking.

It's very different pushing a needle into your own skin. I'm not scared of them, I'm really not. I don't know if it was the pain, or the idea of puncturing my own skin, or what, but I couldn't do it. I was shaking, and then crying, and angry at myself for struggling so much with this.

I mean, people inject themselves with insulin all the time. I felt like I was being weak, and then I was upset because Adam wasn't here to just jab me instead. I had a bit of a pity moment. Angry at myself for struggling so much with such a simple thing, angry that the marks the steroids left meant I had very few locations where I could viably insert the fucking needle, angry that I'm sick enough to need this thing in the first place. Angry that I recently let myself get so incredibly upset and stressed about something, which has caused the Crohn's and arthritis to flare, and flare badly.

After about 30 minutes of crying and shaking and 3 alcohol swabs later, I bit the bullet, and jabbed that sucker in. And it didn't hurt so badly. But then I began to inject the Humira, and that SERIOUSLY hurts. Like injecting acid, is the best way I can describe it.

But, it's done.


I rock.

10 Photos, with you in them, that make you happy.

What can I say? I really do look good in hats. (Warwick Castle)


Skiing at Killington

My Vampire Bat costume, which I sewed completely by hand. Including the ears. On the back of the wings I embroidered veins with jet seed beads. I was proud of that costume!


Ad and I in front of the Aquarium where we had our first date


With my nephew on Omaha Beach



Swimming with Manatees


With Moose in Bermuda


On a Bunjee in Covent Garden


Missing Home


Horseback riding in England (Does my ass look big?)